don't read this

a certain kind of coldness

thinking about college when i lived with d. in that old silverfish infested apartment

the big living room and the bedroom in the back (along the same wall as the hallway, left as you enter and all the way down)

and the unsalted food i made 😅😭

and my coldness of I NEED YOU TO NOT DIE (AND I DON'T RESPECT YOU)

as i take more responsibility... i will Need more things to be The Way I Need Them To Be, i will trust my instincts, i won't ask as a matter of my (courtesy, requesting permission, asking for help, shirking responsibility, timidity) so obsessively, and i probably won't cope as well with requests

i'll be unreasonable and stubborn and probably a Lot more hotheaded.

but i don't think i will be so angry, i don't think i'll be so cruel and cold.

i hated d. i thought she was selfish and naive and had no backbone and couldn't put aside her own feelings for a second (couldn't even sit through my thesis defense)

she had no intention of really dying, but she felt awfully bad i think. being a rich spoiled only child and so far gone you study "relationship psychology" in school... this can't have been a good life to live.

i have no doubt she was sad, but her dramatic crying with our oxo kitchen knive, opening the window to pretend to jump (needing (WANTING - "rescue me rescue me") to be pulled away from the window), her climbing on the counter to get the knife i put above the cabinets out of her reach... these were "cries for help" (demands to be rescued, and i 🐶 obliged)... all done with me there or in the next room. If she wanted to die SHE COULD HAVE. (it's not that hard to die.)

I needed her to

  1. (self-cruelly) FUCKING BEHAVE
  2. (spitefully) LIVE
  3. (gently) stop torturing me

This is my personal model for responsibility for life... (This is how i understand myself to be when i have to be the one relied on)

Patriarchal, "abused", self assuredness.

I think it will be different.

(I LOVE MY WIFE. I RESPECT HIM DEEPLY)

But i will be unreasonable and snippy and controlling and instinctive i think. Things that are important will need to be in a way that I intuitively understand (fuckin' numbers planning Normal shit)

nah it'll go great. we're both accommodating. we care deeply.

(i think i'm just... really afraid of ... well my aim was at odds with caring in a sense... )

thinking of what a past iteration said about trusting more deeply and relying on each other etc

[am i, can i be... reliable]

[[how long will it take me to learn, how many chances]]

[[[do i NEED him to relinquish responsibility in order to be responsible myself. is this MY unwitting demand? [am i that lazy or cruel or irresponsible?]]]]