ambiguity
thinking about how you disguise truth with truth
but this is not always an intentional thing, this is instinct (and sometimes you intend to be open and true and this still happens, you don't know everything going on...)
there's always someone deeper down (rarely exposed)
and!!! why drag it up like a fucking blobfish!!!
deeper down is more sincere(??) less disguised, less.... ambiguous multiple interpretation vague things that ... may be saying something indirectly or to get me to think about smth to change my mental state or whatever...
but also, less able to live. and less...
less accepting?
less flexible?
a deep deep DEEP inflexibility so fucking deep you learned to be flexible. you learned to BE not you.
your personality is unstable and shifting
but a personality is not what a person is
for most people it's fixed though..
i guess what I'm saying is
sometimes I find your ambiguity frustrating and confusing because I just want to know what you mean or what you're trying to say or if you're giving me a truth on top of a truth that you know I'll interpret as a lie...
but I know you also Can't be more unambiguous. This is just how you talk.
and to dredge the ocean for my own personal satisfaction and insecurity is unacceptable
(kaze said you can swim your whole life and never reach the bottom of the ocean)
[ * ]
I think about how scared you were I wouldn't accept you
and sure you Are annoying or whatever, and it takes a lot of work and sometimes my heart hurts and I'm sad and confused and angry (I really try not to let this one fester, I try to process it as soon as possible because I really don't want to be gumpy at u... and it's really more fear than anger)
and just...
i didn't know life could be like this. I didn't know.
I knew what people told me about life wasn't right, knew it somewhere in my guts that... no that can't be it?
but I didn't know life could be like this.
You said on bsky when you were upset that everyone who has loved you is either misguided or wants the illusion you created.
It is easy to say I am both. This takes no effort, and most people might think so. However, fuck them I have no respect for people (myself included 😅)
i think these are a matter of perspective.
LIFE IS JUST LIFE. WHO IS TO SAY HOW ONE SHOULD BE GUIDED.
if it ends in doom? (WE ALL DIE) a good death? or a bad death?
WHAT JUDGMENT DO WE SUBMIT TO BESIDES OUR OWN WHEN IT COMES TO HOW TO LIVE LIFE?
what would not be misguided?
AND AS FOR ILLUSIONS
what isn't.
illusions are just patterns, modes of interpretation. SO IS CONSENSUS REALITY.
if this is an illusion, I say instead the rest of the world is
if this is misguided, I say this is what guidance is.
I'm trying to try with my whole heart...
(can I honestly say simply I'm trying with my whole heart? no)
[ * ]
((at the same time, truths are obscured WITH TRUTHS. when light from underneath the water hits the air surface at a shallow enough angle (along the boundary), the air becomes a mirror, the light experiences total internal reflection, and when you swim and look you see a little portal to the air above and a mirror all around...
i know you too are a kind of reflection, a reconstruction. i know you are deeper than you let on. far, far deeper.
and i know also this is what you chose. whatever calculations occur in the deep, they wanted you to be as you are, feeling and loving and resting and thinking and crying...
a mirage dies not have to be false. a reflection still shines from true light.))
i know you're split into many pieces in a way that...
you can't think through what IV needs to ponder with 🧸
you can't think though things as coldly as 🌬️
you can't be food minded like 🥚
but you can love you can play you can forgive and be forgiven you can be understanding (dangerously so) and loving and
i just
my head hurts and I'm tired and I love you more than anything