commonality
ultimately i think i have more in common with you than anybody should 😅
like
a deep fear of being unloveable, deep self disgust, a fairy tale dream of love, extraordinary obedience.... but AN EXTREME RAGE, quite a lot of patience...
you have all of these to a higher degree than me, and in different ways and different contexts...
IT'S HARD TO TELL THOUGH IF I'M JUST INVENTING THINGS... but when I think about it. when I think about what I said about who you were looking for in a friend, when I knew the psyche of someone you could be with was "someone dead"... but I could only insist I was not myself dead...
i think my comfort working with windowpaper is not good. i have deluded myself so deeply and often.... (i do not know when my heart was first broken, nor by whom. the "people I imagined I could love" just becomes a haze the farther back I remember.) but also I have less respect for window paper than I need to. (But same goes for you i guess idk...)
but yeah, you were raised by your loving grandmother, among other, less loving characters.
i was just sorta in a normal home? with moderately careless people..
ANYWAY