crystallization
I need to go in the (metaphorical) kiln to crystallize my resolve and I just Don't understand a lot of things yet and I have flaws in my soul (misalignments, crystalline defects, the kinds of things that make you wonder if there's any truth or love in the world. rotten branches) as opposed to what people normally call flaws which are just part of Being Alive and Existing and Hurting and Being Hurt. I don't need to be "Perfect" just... I need to be the version of me that could grow in those photon flowers on a distant planet in land of the lustrous.
I think my wife trusted me to be this and I wasn't.
But it is not too much to ask.
Edit (january 20, 2026)
the relationships between the atoms of a crystal are visible in the macroscopic facets that form
the whole thing is seen through a glance if you understand