easy
my mom said "it won't be easy" to get a job (well actually the phrase she used was "it's just gonna take some work", but the sentiment was familiar)
this is the sort of thing that makes me feel like a spoiled pathetic waste.
i told her i had the desire for things to be easy beaten out of me as a child (not physically, but i remember the little pride i had was bitterly offensive to my mom who specifically tried to break it. do i think so highly of myself that i'm above doing [impossible task that makes me want to die]? who do i think i am?!)
she got defensive of course.
but IT FUCKING GNAWS AT ME that i want things to be easy IT'S FUCKING POISON IN MY BONES I HAVE BEEN TOLD THIS IN SO MANY WAYS SO MANY FUCKING TIMES and i think it's not true
i think i just need things to be possible
i think i work pretty hard and take things pretty seriously, especially for someone raised with a silver spoon in his mouth
like, i think i can do things that are hard?
and i don't think i need things to be easy?
but there's difficult and then there's damaging to the soul.
i am thinking about when i stopped asking for things to be easy.
it was before high school, because with kim the line i drew was for her to take my devotion seriously (stop breaking up with me and getting back together with me), but who draws a line like that? why was it not "stop screaming at me constantly and forcing me to stay awake until 3 am daily to reassure you about whatever you're upset about and to apologize deeply and basically just pointing me at people to yell at for you and viciously blaming me if i accidentally fell asleep" (why was it not "stop torturing me"? why was that not my stopping point? i thought love and torture were compatible as a kid... why!)
anyways idk when it was that i stopped imagining things could be easy