ending the world
(to my wife)
there is a particular uh, joy? comfort? meaning? belonging? to taking care of you at cost, when it is distressing and uncomfortable. (and there is a vulnerability in experiencing discomfort for you b/c i care about you and i love you and i want you to be well...)
i want life to mean smth. i think every man for himself mentality is a fate worse than death... i'd rather end the world than be that person.
it is meaningful to me to learn how to take better care of you through hardship...
(about my wife)
in general and in the past, part of being hurt (whether intentionally, directly, indirectly, through inaction, neglect, carelessness, whatever),
is the pain of wondering "do you love me? Do you care about me?"
and "do I need to withdraw my love, do I need to view things as a transaction or an exchange, do I need to become more heartless? (do I need to work harder? more attentively?) because if I'm not cared for and not loved, the truth is that I am being used and I'm just foolish and naive and love is an indefensible view on what's happening"
this pain I think in general is much worse than the hurt usually. (i think maybe this is where emotional pain comes from???... idk...).
with my wife, i don't need to worry about this though. still have fear in my heart of course, but I KNOW he loves me.
so I know when things are tough, even if he Makes them tough? (even on purpose?)
i'm still free from having to wonder