kimono analysis
fight scene in kimono (the jjk fanfic)
i'm replaying the jujutsu kaisen fanfiction kimono and i came across these lines:
"ryomen sukuna:
please don't be mad with me
"fushiguro megumi:
shh. shhhh. puppy hasn't done anything wrong. you're good. you're good for me. you're good to and for me.
"sukuna-sama sobs even harder. it was the wrong thing to say."
I'm thinking of what the right thing to say (and what the right thing to mean) would (have) be(en), and why this was wrong.
sukuna is hiding something in this scene (complicated politics and concerns). he cannot share it but... cannot disobey megumi.
megumi "reassures" but this act serves two purposes:
- false acceptance of sukuna's secret holding (if (s)he accepted it or WANTED sukuna to keep this secret wouldn't she say so?) so megumi intends to build resentment and a grudge, is that it? this is how sukuna sees it I think.
- reinforcement of good puppy / bad puppy (TRAINING A HUNTING DOG)
and then megumi's envy and lack of understanding kicks in, he bites uraume and in doing so bites sukuna
and then APOLOGIZES to him (to a dog this is demanding to be soothed!) demanding this after telling him (sukuna vision) megumi: "i am mad at you and i will build this anger in what i think is secret".
sukuna is so upset he cannot even respond
i think if megumi understood and could say and mean "you are keeping a secret from me. you would only do this if it felt important to you, so i WANT you to keep it secret from me."
maybe this would have been better?
uraume:
if you hurt him, it would destroy him forever
THAT'S who you fell in love with.
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOREVER FOR WHAT YOU HAVE TAMED.
later on:
megumi (to sukuna):
uraume, don't hurt them. they just wanted to give me some time alone with you.
[sukuna knows this! which is why he had to prevent them from leaving! he's still terrified of megumi... but he can't say this to megumi either so he says]
sukuna:
(rocking her) what's the point of that?
[sukuna:
why would we not all be together? (please... i'm afraid of you and i NEED uraume here with me)]
[megumi reads this as:
sukuna:
what's the point of alone time with you? why would i want to be intimate with you? (I don't even share my secrets with you, only THEM. Do I love you the way you want? You don't understand how I love you, do you...)]
fushiguro megumi:
(kissing him briefly, then frowning) what do you mean?
[megumi:
(do you love me? i don't understand what is between you and uraume... I'm confused and scared)]
[to sukuna:
megumi:
i need alone time with you. i need them out of here i cannot be intimate with you when they're around. (And i'm worried about them getting hurt... so perhaps i need them gone for their safety... [but sukuna is confused about this])]
sukuna:
uraume. uraume doesn't get hurt.
i don't really get why they need to leave us alone either. do you want them to leave?
[sukuna:
i don't understand. why are you worried about uraume? didn't they just tell you they live to serve me? i don't understand what you want and i NEED TO PLEASE YOU. WHAT DO YOU WANT]
[to megumi:
sukuna:
i see uraume as... something in between a slave and a lover. they are nothing to me but at the same time i can only be myself around them (NOT YOU! do i love you? (you know i do but you're confused and afraid))]
sukuna:
URAUME, PISS OFF
[sukuna:
(preemptively) i need to never make the same mistake twice. i will correct this. megumi doesn't like uraume so they must go now (I AM SO AFRAID BECAUSE I NEED THEM BUT... I HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO PLEASE MEGUMI)]
[to megumi:
sukuna:
See, uraume is nothing to me. (But you know they are not nothing... And you know I am hiding things from you... So what is the truth?)]
megumi:
don't talk to them like that.
[megumi:
(not understanding uraume is not what most people would call "human" in any reasonable sense) People Deserve To Be Treated Better Than That! Don't Yell At Ur Partner!]
[to sukuna:
megumi:
no! i don't want uraume to leave (clearly uncomfortable around uraume, so must be lying poorly [sukuna: WHY?! I NEED to understand what she wants! (Does not fully understand that Megumi does not fully understand what uraume said.]).]
sukuna:
just say what you want, then, fuck. I can't read your fucking mind. (ANXIOUS, asking me with his eyes over her shoulder what's wrong)
uraume:
[(it is their sole purpose to understand sukuna's blind spots and so...) understands megumi failed to understand them and is gently guiding megumi]
a servant is not a human being, miss fushiguro megumi. I feel you have forgotten this.
[to megumi:
????? what's going on???
uraume, he shouldn't treat you like that... he hurt you... people (YOU'RE A PERSON RIGHT?) deserve better.]
megumi: [to sukuna]
...can you be nice to uraume?
[to sukuna:
megumi:
here's your task: be nice to uraume. [sukuna: (doesn't understand "nice"... didn't uraume just explain TWICE what they are?) am i not being "nice"? [me: oops actually sukuna does see what megumi means here... but doesn't see the purpose of this task... It is simply not necessary to be "nice" to uraume... they're past that. They're already dead.]]]
sukuna:
why?
[to megumi:
sukuna:
why be nice to uraume? I don't care about them at all (and perhaps you think I'm doing my best to prove I love you here, disregarding them and lying poorly through my teeth when it's clear I care so much about them but also mistreat them quite horribly. what am i hiding from you? (do you understand me megumi, am i challenging you or taunting you)]
[megumi (to themselves):
(sukuna clearly mistreats uraume but cares but doesn't care... this isn't right... and what are they talking about with being a servant? and immediately shooting themselves in the head if their use is expended? that's so fucked up. i want you to all be nice to each other please? can't this make sense to me? can't it be easy?)]
megumi:
WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY? THEY'RE YOUR PARTNER?
[to sukuna:
megumi:
(incomprehensible nonsense)]
[to uraume:
(internally):
...what does he see in this one? i've explained twice i am sukuna's servant. i said in DETAIL that if i expended my use i'd kill myself. sukuna was SCARED and i MESSED UP by threatening him to leave and leave him here with YOU, megumi. sukuna did not harm me, i failed him by not seeing how dangerous you are, megumi.
(uraume has little tolerance for anyone but sukuna)
sukuna, what do you see in him? (TRYING DESPERATELY TO UNDERSTAND... LIKE THEIR LIFE (LOVE) DEPENDS ON IT (IT DOES))
(and uraume loves sukuna. and so his megumi MUST be important, they just need to understand... and megumi... without her they would be unable to be with sukuna in ways they cannot ask for. SHE IS ESSENTIAL but is also clearly an idiot.)]
sukuna:
THE FUCK THAT'S SUPPOSED TO MEAN? they're just... uraume.
[sukuna:
(I AM CONFUSED AND DISTRESSED AND DON'T KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO JUST TELL ME. I CAN'T FIGURE THIS ONE OUT BUT IF I DON'T I DIE. every problem is like this. if i cannot do it i Need to be able to solve it instantly the next time or I will die (if i miss, the next one goes in me). i am like phos, constantly achieving the impossible at the cost of fracturing my soul. how could i, THE LORD RYOMEN SUKUNA, otherwise be both a slave and a god? But i'm stumped here and distressed and i need to understand and i have a growing gnawing need bone deep to kill myself that increases as this conversation wears on)
sukuna:
i think you misunderstand things, i need you to understand or say it in a way i can understand. please. I love you and this is making me want to die very badly. maybe you're jealous? i don't know. but i know you don't understand them and so that is my task.
please, listen. uraume is uraume. they are who they are, try to understand them so that you will stop beating me. i need to please you. will this work? URAUME IS URAUME I HAVE NO OTHER WORDS FOR THIS THAT I HAVEN'T ALREADY TRIED!]
[to megumi:
sukuna:
truly, uraume means nothing to me. we're not even dating. they're not my partner. (NOW YOU'RE AFRAID, DO I LOVE YOU? (yes, you know somewhere deep in your heart))]
megumi:
THEN WHAT AM I?
[megumi:
i am being brave and exposing my fear. do you love me? (yes, i know somewhere deep. but i need you to reassure me, i'm so afraid and you're the only thing i've ever been so sure of in my life)]
[to sukuna:
megumi:
i am jealous of uraume. i am afraid and i don't know if you love me. reassure me please, make me feel loved? (you cannot refuse, so this is an order, even though the collar is off.)]
sukuna:
[OBEYING PERFECTLY] (stroking her arms) my blessing, godsend, and beloved
[to megumi:
sukuna:
i only love you! i do not love uraume at all. you see how i disregard them so severely? i will degrade them completely for you, i would hurt them however badly you wanted. (i am lying of course, you can see how important they are to me, but i am COMMITTED to this lie, you can understand that plainly!)
(please understand, i'm trying so hard but appear so ruthless... but you can see how hard i'm trying, surely you can see that. clearly no morality lol but you see how hard i am trying)]
[megumi:
(sees how hard sukuna is trying, but at the same time, does not understand the relationship between uraume and sukuna... and feels jealous and confused and scared and righteous (how dare you treat them like that!) and loving and so insecure....)
sukuna is clearly lying, and being mean...]
megumi:
I... SUKUNA, THAT'S CRUEL, and untrue. you care about them. they're important to you.
[to sukuna:
megumi:
it is first important that i condemn you for your cruelty (but could you be anything else). next, i say outright your answer is wrong (WHY THOUGH? WHAT DID YOU MISS? You need to find the right answer or you will DESPERATELY need to kill yourself.)]
[uraume (aside):
megumi is yanking sukuna around and she doesn't understand and she's trying so hard but she's clueless and won't listen (i'm frustrated she KEEPS HURTING SUKUNA). stop giving him conflicting orders "on my behalf"! right now you are treating me in a way i cannot tolerate, excessively moralizing at sukuna's cost (please understand...) YOU ARE CONDEMNING THE MAN WE LOVE?]
uraume:
leave it, megumi.
[uraume:
(directed at megumi, but unable to say this without disturbing sukuna... his presence is what permits uraume to tolerate megumi long enough to understand and love her)
HEY SHUT THE FUCK UP]
megumi:
[uraume, you may think you're okay being mistreated but IT'S WRONG! You're CLEARLY HURT look at your wrists you're bruised and he said you were nothing to him... [to uraume though, she is thinking "i know better here"... uraume sees megumi's ignorance/arrogance because they know sukuna.]
interlude (on ego-death):
sukuna cannot refuse, but sukuna is still sukuna (a god-curse)
sukuna cannot hold both of these... [for sukuna who CANNOT refuse megumi, to refuse is to die]
i think normally yuuji holds the agreeableness (to put it lightly) that sukuna cannot permit himself (without dying), and I think now I understand more how each of them are in some ways the death of the other [they cannot but be opposites]. sukuna's survival and cunning and yuuji's obedience and playfulness, it's not that both don't also have the other in them, but...
how does someone who CANNOT refuse, refuse?
they cannot. THEY CANNOT. so someone else does [IT WOULD KILL THEM OTHERWISE]
interlude (on life):
i think in a way iv, kaze, egg are playing different facets of the role of uraume (iv has measure (uraume does as well), kaze has something of sukuna's rage (uraume has nothing to themself but... to the extent they are sukuna's servant, sukuna's rage is uraume's as well), egg... egg is silly but incubating a mystery). I am of course, only playing myself, juniper.
kaze (or was it iv):
do not promise what you cannot keep, to kick sukuna when he is down (and so small and only gentle now) is to kill him. he has no baby teeth even. he has lost his violence
[to me:
kaze:
you just need to try harder, work harder]
me:
(confused, distressed) ok i'll just work REALLY HARD
[to gentle:
me:
i want to harbor a grudge against you. i'm not designed for perfection.]
gentle:
(very sad) please, understand...
interlude (mail packages)
gentle:
can you go outside and check if my mail arrived? (i am only asking because i have been driven to another IMPOSSIBILITY, and it destroys me like phos to keep up these impossibilities they make me want to die so badly it's only a controllable urge by being dead already)
me:
sure! (i check and don't see it) wanna look out here with me?
[to gentle:
me:
you said you can't do it but now i want you to...]
gentle:
(PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME) i've been having trouble with the cold lately
returning to kimono
megumi:
NO, it's not right that—
sukuna calmly sits on his knees and puts the collar back on
[sukuna:
megumi is making increasingly impossible demands and i cannot handle this. the people i love are fighting and i'm hurt and... this is all too much. i cannot pretend to be anything other than a dog right now
sukuna (silently to uraume):
look please notice and help me i'm overwhelmed]
i wonder though, uraume wanted to leave because they have no patience for megumi? or feel uncomfortable around her? because they INSIST (by asking a second time) they leave...