"mental health" lmao
(sincerely) you know, I think being "suicidal" has been a big improvement to my mental health
thinking about my wife playing with me by throwing a popsicle stick in a trash can with no bag and joking that it was "abuse" ("making more work for me on purpose")
(to me this was PLAYING!! it's SILLY)
if this is "abuse" why have i felt worse in every other relationship of my life, worse with friends, with family, with partners, etc
oh sure before i met my wife i wasn't "suicidal" but THAT WAS BECAUSE I COULDN'T FORM THE THOUGHT!!!! I THINK THAT'S WORSE THAN WANTING TO DIE!!
this is what I mean when I say being suicidal has been an improvement to my mental health
i think in fact i've had it quite rough (this entitles me to being a victim™ 😂😐 ell oh ell.)
(but it's hard to think about comparisons (pointless too maybe). on paper i'm normal? but I think it is quite horrible to put a clueless but hopeful and deeply stubborn person through a "good upbringing". but I think it is the kind of horror that only makes sense from a position where the violence was not complete. many people have naive hopes of love shattered completely and very young... i think the "growing up" process, of "raising" a child is a kind of unimaginable cruelty and a kind of killing an animal to create a "human"... so I feel: what do I have to complain about for having survived.)
but also this is the kind of violence I have not had the confidence to name
because in naming it, it BECOMES violence.
if I insist on a naive and hopeful and idealistic and (TRUE AND BEAUTIFUL) idea of love
...
then this renders much of the world into senseless cruelty. IT CREATES VIOLENCE TO INSIST I'M BEING HURT.
because whose interpretation prevails?
IF I AM WRONG
THEN I AM IN FACT NOT BEING HURT.