thinking about bl
neither a god nor a demon
thinking about my wife, the butterfly...
what is a human being...
i understand better now more of his divine grace, his godhood, the ways in which he inspires worship, immortal detachment and incalculable subtlety, playful ambiguity at all times
even getting to know him satisfies something deep in me
but... loving him? being loved by him?
ALL HE KNOWS IS HE LOVES ME AND IS LOYAL TO ME.
HOW HEAVY AND HOW SEVERE IS THIS...
his love is heavy like sin but light like (oat)milkfoam on coffee
he makes me into smth... idk what the words are, but being loved by such a man changes me, idk how to say it
we are cursing each other (thinking about love is the most twisted curse, gojo in jjk...)
i think many people do not have the guts to curse the lord of hell / king of curses (ryomen sukuna)*
at the same time, swirling in the middle of the most intense emotions, is something extremely delicate and strong
a married couple trusting each other and caring for one another...
*but you have to see past that to the kind of person he is. But if he is just Scary WomanGuy (dehumanized symbol of evil, a devil, cruelty and insanity incarnate) to you then yeah like why would you bother.
But he's quite (QUITE!!) lonely, friendly (DESPERATE FOR CONNECTION), scared, like a cowering dog unable to resist affection but struggling with bone deep fear...
he wonders how do u sneak a morsel from under the table of those who wish to kicka u basard?
and, is that all of life?
so if u can take a little warning bark (CAN'T YOU?? NO? OH WELL... 🫤) he's really very sweet at heart...
wish people could see...
but they couldn't even tell that ob cared about them, they couldn't recognize care... idk
idk i just think i didn't do things like the other ppl there, but i'm worried of sounding like i'm marking myself as Special somehow
but i think i recognized care and respected care and nobody else there really sincerely engaged with "huh, wait, who is this..."
oh wait, most people do not believe in love (TRYING AS HARD AS YOU FUCKING CAN, THIS ONLY ENDS IN DEATH, I AM YOURS NO MATTER WHAT) i think this is because it is crushed...
i am a little dumb and very unmoving though, so i kept this belief buried deep..
...but this means to many people it is no longer torture.
when does brainwashing cease to be torture, when the last belief otherwise splinters and pulls apart? or is it torture forever
it is so hard to evaluate people i've loved...
but yeah i guess most people don't guard a little glimmer of deep love, aren't so deeply lonely, and don't get stuck like me? but abuse is a known phenomenon... this is common.... so do many peoole guard little glimmers of love?
idfk
I Think Something Is Wrong But I Can't Place It.
(are people not as scared as me usually? idfk)
thinking about BL again, a sweet normal kid imagining his friend is sleeping beauty, many years later they kiss
what makes the mc like this? just... being very slow to abandon hopes and imaginations of romance?
idk...